he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
