dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
