Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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