capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
as a side note pls kill me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
