His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
