Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
