what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
