I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
