so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
