This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize