I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
