GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
