my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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