Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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