Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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