I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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