my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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