I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
