Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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