Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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