so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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