are you still at the devil's house?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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