I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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