we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
