I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
