you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
