I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
