I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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