Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
