you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
