he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
