so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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