why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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