I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
