So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
