for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
