Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
