he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
