you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
