Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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