i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
