I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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