Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
