she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
