I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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