I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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