I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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