my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
