i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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