So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
