Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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