I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
