I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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