It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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