U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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