it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
