last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
