Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
