oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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