Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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