he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
