Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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