I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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